Defining Success.

These last few weeks have been a roller coaster, emotionally and spiritually. I laughed out loud when, in the midst of a meltdown, I read my own words from January about wanting God to shake my life up. Well, shake it up He has. And, I can confidently say, praise Him for it!

I learned something big this week. It is a game changer. A lightbulb. An epiphany.

I won’t say it is profound—I’m sure I’m not the first one to come up with it. In fact, I know I’m not. But it certainly is having a profound impact on my simple little life.

Here’s the deal.

For a long time, I have had two definitions of success:
1)   Be married with lots of babies.
2)   Have a (very bohemian theatre major version of a) career job.

In short, my definition of success was to have life together. If you had asked me to define success, these are not the answers I would have given you, but upon much reflection and sorting things out, it is obvious this is how my mind was subconsciously working.

I wasn’t necessarily gunning for both of those things to happen for me, but I definitely needed one or the other to be true in order to feel I had succeeded at life. I would have been content to marry a cute boy and raise a family with him, and I would have been equally content to have a fabulous non-profit, creative, exciting artsy job that would make everyone around me ooooh and ahhhh.

In the last year, both of those life goals looked like they were beginning to unfold. I approached one with reckless abandon, and the other with much trepidation and a lot of baggage. As it became clear that one goal was not going to pan out the way I wanted it to, I began to cling all the more fiercely to the other. And then, quite suddenly, I was left empty handed. Both of my avenues for success were shut down. 

You can imagine the frustration, hurt and confusion my prideful, competitive heart was feeling. I was angry. But more than angry, I was heartbroken. In fact, it is safe to say the heartbreak was masked by the anger. I was sad, lonely, and hurt, feeling like a failure because I felt those things, and my reaction was to get mad about it. Geez, emotions are a vicious cycle.

Throughout all of this roller coaster, I kept crying out to God. Why, oh why, was He letting me feel this way? There was nowhere to run from the problem I was facing, it was literally in front of my face daily. Every confrontation dissolved me to tears. I hated feeling out of control and weak. I couldn’t fix the mess I found myself in. That, to me, was the pinnacle of failure.

It was in the middle of all that mess I realized how I had been defining success, and how that was feeding into my panic. So, mentally, I got to a point of recognizing that defining success by my marital or job status was probably wrong. And success wasn’t a lack of emotion and being a stone cold fox all the time, because that is totally unrealistic. But I still didn’t know what success was.

But then, oh but then, after many tears and many prayers and much wrestling, the question was answered. It came like a whisper, and stilled my soul.

Success is not the absence of fear or weakness. Rather, success is leaning hard into the unfailing power and love of Christ in the face of failure and weakness.

Each moment of struggle, the daily doubts and fears, are, every one of them, opportunities for me to cry out to the Lord and for Him to answer. It is not my job to fix anything. It is not my job to have an Instagram-perfect life. My success is measured in how readily and how fully I turn to Jesus in the midst of trouble and say “Help me!”

And help me He will.

So if I have learned anything, it is that I have been successful indeed. Successful in hitting rock bottom, and admitting it, and begging for grace. Which, of course, I am swiftly granted. Because that is how God works. His power is most evident when I am in my weakest moment.

___________________

"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

Springing forward.

My favorite thing about the arrival of spring is the sense of great adventure that it brings, riding in on a sweet breeze.

Do you know the feeling I'm talking about? The sun starts to shine longer (I see you, daylight savings time) and birds start chirping in the morning again. The earth awakens and begins to play. Spring has arrived every year for the entire near-quarter century I've been alive, yet it still feels like a miracle every. single. time. Coincidence? I really don't think so. I count it on the list of ways God satisfies our hearts and lets us marvel.

Spring is a season for doing. Not checking off a list or drudging along at work, but doing great and wonderful things. (Like, but not limited to, painting the house and watching tulips bloom.)

This particular spring also happens to coincide with a season of big change for me. Which, honestly, is perfect. That sense of adventure in the air parallels with and is encouraging my explorer's heart. It's reeeeally hard to feel defeated or afraid in the face of adjustment when the weather is so perfect. The options feel as infinite as the blue sky. And infinitely wonderful.

I've been roving around Nashville looking for inspiration, and have not been disappointed. Hands down, my favorite thing about this city is the way it fosters creative hearts. For whatever reason, passionate people are able to make their wildest ideas realities here. From vintage peach trucks to Nash-inspired t-shirts to music. People of Nashville get it done.

I've decided I want to learn from the brilliant, creative minds I find myself surrounded by. I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up, so why not try a little bit of everything? Look at me, talking like I haven't a care in the world. Haaaaaaha. Don't get me wrong, it's a vaguely terrifying reality, having next to no direction. Sometimes I'm like JESUS TAKE THE WHEEEEEL. At the same time it's way fun. The door is wide open for every kind of shenanigan.

This is the plan:

1) Keep a running list of what I know makes my heart smile, for reference.
2) Find cool people who are doing cool things (even if they aren't on my list) and join them.
3) Learn how to make cool things happen from aforementioned cool people.
4) Do my own cool things.

 It's time to work hard, play hard, and figure life out. You're only twenty-three once, right? I have a grin on my face just daydreaming about it.

Spring is upon us, friends, and adventure is calling.

The Pursuit.

I have always been told that Jesus wants our hearts and will pursue us until He gets them. He is called the Great Romancer and He is supposed to be all we need. It has been drilled in my head since childhood. I know it, I believe it, blah blah blah blah.

OKAY BUT ACTUALLY. This week, it got real. My heart knows in a way it didn't before, that the Being I call my Savior is after me with a jealous love that I cannot ignore. This knowledge didn't come in a warm fuzzy quiet time or a heart-pounding worship service.

It came in the form of heartbreak.

I was asked, not commanded, but asked, to give up something that had become so incredibly dear to my heart. I was comfortable, pretty much content, setting myself up for what seemed like a really sweet time. And the Lord swept in and said, "That's cool, girl. You can go with that. Or you can come with Me. Your call."

I have never seen so clearly a choice placed before me by Jesus. There was a picture in my mind of a fork in the road, I at the crossroads. One avenue was picture-perfect, sweet, expected, and easy. The other was one of potential risk. Adventurous, scary, exciting, not clear. And my heart was torn. Because easy is comfortable, and I am a creature of comfort. But my heart longs for adventure. I crave it, though I do not always pursue it. God looked into my heart and said "Come with Me. Adventure awaits."

Oswald Chambers, who wrote one of my favorite devotional books ever, talks about fighting against despair in moments that, on the surface, look and feel like total failure:

"Let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the sweet embrace of Christ, and let us go into the invincible future with Him."

Brave words for a heart that is simultaneously breaking and pounding with anticipation of what is to come.

But there is peace, also. Peace that comes from the knowledge that I do not step blindly, but step into the will of a Father who desires me in my entirety. His wants only good things for me, and only He knows what those good things are.

I have a sneaking suspicion that His plans are bigger than I imagined.