Do you rest well? I do not. I am an on-the-go gal, thoroughly. My planner is full of coffee dates, and events, and if there is an inch of blank space, I am quick to call someone to fill it. My weeks are, more often than not, scheduled to the last second by Sunday night.
For a long time, I kept my calendar full because I was on the run from my fears about being alone and missing out. Then it just became habit to always, always have someplace to go. Only recently have I started to feel this little tug to just, like, chill. It's a very new sensation. But there are times when what I really do want is to just be at home.
The habit of always being busy is a hard one to kick. Even as I feel myself getting mentally exhausted, I still schedule one more coffee hang. Something in me feels the need to move, always. What is that? Why can I not rest?
So, yesterday was a Saturday. My morning was stacked high with plans for the farmer's market and monthly flea market, all with dear friends. Which is great. But Friday evening, one after the other, the plans fell through. My brain immediately jumped into hyperdrive. Gotta make new plans, who might be free? Who have I not seen in a bit? My fingers were literally hovering over my contacts list, when I felt the tug again. The tug to just. rest.
Oh. You mean I don't need to be busy tomorrow morning? It's okay to wake up to no plans?
So I did. Saturday morning, I slept in and awoke to bright winter sunshine bouncing off a fluffy dusting of snow. I stayed in my pajamas until noon. I made coffee. I started a new book, and got pretty far into it. I painted. Then I got a little antsy, so I called my mom. Which felt really good, because if I go too long at the start of a day without talking to someone I get stir crazy. Two of my roommates came back mid-morning and we shared big thoughts and also sat in quietness. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't doing. I was just being. And there was this light, airy sense of freedom around that whole beautiful morning that I realized was the spirit of restfulness.
I didn't leave my house until late afternoon. But the day didn't feel wasted, like I kind of thought it would. It had been a full day. A day of good talking, good thinking, and sweet rest. Instead of feeling spent, I felt full. Instead of needing to make plans happen, I felt content to let plans happen.
Starting now, I'm going to be a lot more intentional about taking time to rest. Because what yesterday taught me is that rest is joyful. And very, very necessary. If I can learn to rest, I will be better for it. For so long I relied on my community to fill me up. It got to the point where I literally needed them to survive. And, while community is great, if we treat community as a lifeline we will wear ourselves and everyone else out. If I don't know how to rest, and to be filled up in the stillness of solitude, I will become a taker instead of a giver. Which is not what I want at all. I want to be able to pour out as much as I'm being poured into, and not have to hang on to people for dear life. And I'm starting to think the key to being able to pour out is to know when to rest.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Who are you?
I read a lot of articles on BuzzFeed. Probably too much. I use it for dumb entertainment, sometimes for valid information, but mostly to take personality quizzes. I love personality quizzes. Please, World Wide Web, tell me which celebrity I should marry, or what my style is, or which Hogwarts house I should be sorted into (Hufflepuff, every time). Which, you know, is totally fine. Maybe.
It's been coming up a lot in my head, lately, the question of why I'm so into letting the internet tell me more about myself. Because, if we're being transparent, here, those quiz results carry way more weight than they should. Something about answering a series of completely absurd questions (What is your favorite meal? Where would you like to live?) and getting a certain description of myself at the end has become a sort of validation about who I am.
Yes, you read that right. I've gotten into this very bad habit of letting BuzzFeed quizzes define something about who I am.
WHAT?!
Now, listen, I'm not saying personality quizzes are bad. Mostly, they're hilarious and sometimes weirdly on point. But I kind of think this carries over into things like Myers-Briggs results, and aptitude tests, and the like. There is a part of me that clings to the results of these tests like a lifeline, because I've gotten in this habit of letting others name me. But at what point did it become okay for an outside source, especially one that knows my heart not at all, to speak into my identity?
Is this resonating with you? Do you know yourself? Are you completely confident in your identity, or is there a part of you that is unsure about who you are? And, if that's the case, do you let outside sources name the parts of you you can't identify? I think we all do, at some point or another. Probably far more often than we think. Here's a conclusion I've come to: our true selves are very hard for us to find, because they are buried under our expectations, our desires, outside opinions, and everything we are trying to make ourselves become. Am I right? Which is why there are times I turn to things like BuzzFeed, and my friends, and people who aren't friends at all, and I latch on to what they say about me because I don't know myself. Some of the things I latch onto are downright false. More often than not, the lies are things spoken innocently, but twisted by the Deceiver to feed my spirit poison. How easily he makes that happen! And how quick am I to believe it.
I think God wires into us the desire to be understood, and to understand ourselves. More than that, I think He very intentionally made it so the only way for us to truly begin to know ourselves is to first know Him. Our true selves, that identity hidden beneath layers of self-doubt, fear, expectation, opinions and culture, will never see the light until we are given the confidence to be freely who we are. And that confidence comes from exactly one place. The heart of God. He knows me, in a way no one else ever will. He understands how I am wired better than I do. The days that I feel like a crazy lunatic, God is not phased. He knows I like boys in plaid, but that boys with strong hands make me melt. He knows Myers-Briggs classifies me as ENFP, but there's a lot more to me than that. He knows. So why is it that it never occurs to me to ask Him about my identity? Why do I let everyone but God name me?
So I think maybe, for a bit, I'm going to take a break from BuzzFeed quizzes. Not because they're evil, but because my heart needs to learn where to seek its identity. Not on the internet, not in friends, not anywhere but in the heart of my Savior, who created me and knows me better than anyone, even Isabel Briggs Myers.
It's been coming up a lot in my head, lately, the question of why I'm so into letting the internet tell me more about myself. Because, if we're being transparent, here, those quiz results carry way more weight than they should. Something about answering a series of completely absurd questions (What is your favorite meal? Where would you like to live?) and getting a certain description of myself at the end has become a sort of validation about who I am.
Yes, you read that right. I've gotten into this very bad habit of letting BuzzFeed quizzes define something about who I am.
WHAT?!
Now, listen, I'm not saying personality quizzes are bad. Mostly, they're hilarious and sometimes weirdly on point. But I kind of think this carries over into things like Myers-Briggs results, and aptitude tests, and the like. There is a part of me that clings to the results of these tests like a lifeline, because I've gotten in this habit of letting others name me. But at what point did it become okay for an outside source, especially one that knows my heart not at all, to speak into my identity?
Is this resonating with you? Do you know yourself? Are you completely confident in your identity, or is there a part of you that is unsure about who you are? And, if that's the case, do you let outside sources name the parts of you you can't identify? I think we all do, at some point or another. Probably far more often than we think. Here's a conclusion I've come to: our true selves are very hard for us to find, because they are buried under our expectations, our desires, outside opinions, and everything we are trying to make ourselves become. Am I right? Which is why there are times I turn to things like BuzzFeed, and my friends, and people who aren't friends at all, and I latch on to what they say about me because I don't know myself. Some of the things I latch onto are downright false. More often than not, the lies are things spoken innocently, but twisted by the Deceiver to feed my spirit poison. How easily he makes that happen! And how quick am I to believe it.
I think God wires into us the desire to be understood, and to understand ourselves. More than that, I think He very intentionally made it so the only way for us to truly begin to know ourselves is to first know Him. Our true selves, that identity hidden beneath layers of self-doubt, fear, expectation, opinions and culture, will never see the light until we are given the confidence to be freely who we are. And that confidence comes from exactly one place. The heart of God. He knows me, in a way no one else ever will. He understands how I am wired better than I do. The days that I feel like a crazy lunatic, God is not phased. He knows I like boys in plaid, but that boys with strong hands make me melt. He knows Myers-Briggs classifies me as ENFP, but there's a lot more to me than that. He knows. So why is it that it never occurs to me to ask Him about my identity? Why do I let everyone but God name me?
So I think maybe, for a bit, I'm going to take a break from BuzzFeed quizzes. Not because they're evil, but because my heart needs to learn where to seek its identity. Not on the internet, not in friends, not anywhere but in the heart of my Savior, who created me and knows me better than anyone, even Isabel Briggs Myers.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
What it is.
Have you ever not spoken something out loud, in the hopes that not saying it will keep it from being real? I have. Twice, this week. Some silly part of my brain is reassuring me that if the words don't come out my mouth, if sound doesn't hit the air, the thing didn't really happen.
The reality is, no words of mine, spoken or unspoken, will change the actions of other people. A phrase I have come to use almost daily goes: "It is what it is." I don't have to like it, but I do have to acknowledge the facts. Which is a concept my very core pushes back against. I have this ideal, who doesn't?, about the way life should work, and how the dominoes should fall. A leads to B, leads to C, and the people that try hard will be rewarded. And it's not over until everything is rosy and beautiful. Another reality check: when dealing with humanity, there is very rarely a black and white, bow-on-top solution or resolution to anything. No matter how badly I want reconciliation, or an answer, or a rewind button, sometimes it just is what it is. There is no reconciliation, no answer, no rewinding. No grasping the past in an effort to change the future. I fully believe words of prayer hold immeasurable power, and the Lord answers our requests mightily in His time. But sometimes, no matter how hard we beg, He says, "This is how it's going to be. I know you don't like it, but this is what it is."
Some people say knowing God is in control of their circumstances brings them great peace. I find this to be absolutely not true 85% of the time. Because many times, God is not doing what I want, He is very much doing His own thing and, frankly, it drives me crazy. Have you ever been in that place of recognizing God's hand at work, and absolutely hating it? It feels childish. It feels wrong. But I'm pretty sure it's human. I'm pretty sure our inability to let go is something we have to unlearn. Unlearning starts with admitting we don't know everything. I may think I have the perfect solution, or be in the right, but that doesn't mean I'm right. Pride will tell me I am. The Lord will tell me, "you don't know all the pieces of this puzzle. I do." Unlearning is choosing to trust the Lord, literally no matter what. Even through tears and gritted teeth. The thing is, He will prove Himself faithful. He always does. We might not like a stretch of the journey, but His faithfulness is undeniable. If I know anything, it is that the Lord is always and forever faithful to complete whatever He has started.
I've been doing a lot of unlearning the last few months. A lot of leaning into what it looks like to let things be. It is what it is. I don't have to like it, and I can deal with that on my own time, but I do have to accept that, hey, this is it. And you know, there has been so much grace in the learning. For each step I took, the Lord bolstered my soul a little bit more. He strengthened the muscles of trust, peace, and rest. As I learned to let circumstances be, He gave me freedom.
Tonight, there is a familiar knot in my stomach. The very tips of my fingers are tingling with the desire to white-knuckle hang on to what I know is already gone. But as I sit here and breathe, the more dominant feeling is peace. Peace, because it is what it is. There are circumstances I can't change, reality that exists whether or not I say it out loud. With each inhale, I'm asking for rest. With each exhale, I'm letting go of a little more fear. That knot is loosening, slowly but surely. It is what it is. And God is who He is. So I choose peace, and joy, and rest.
The reality is, no words of mine, spoken or unspoken, will change the actions of other people. A phrase I have come to use almost daily goes: "It is what it is." I don't have to like it, but I do have to acknowledge the facts. Which is a concept my very core pushes back against. I have this ideal, who doesn't?, about the way life should work, and how the dominoes should fall. A leads to B, leads to C, and the people that try hard will be rewarded. And it's not over until everything is rosy and beautiful. Another reality check: when dealing with humanity, there is very rarely a black and white, bow-on-top solution or resolution to anything. No matter how badly I want reconciliation, or an answer, or a rewind button, sometimes it just is what it is. There is no reconciliation, no answer, no rewinding. No grasping the past in an effort to change the future. I fully believe words of prayer hold immeasurable power, and the Lord answers our requests mightily in His time. But sometimes, no matter how hard we beg, He says, "This is how it's going to be. I know you don't like it, but this is what it is."
Some people say knowing God is in control of their circumstances brings them great peace. I find this to be absolutely not true 85% of the time. Because many times, God is not doing what I want, He is very much doing His own thing and, frankly, it drives me crazy. Have you ever been in that place of recognizing God's hand at work, and absolutely hating it? It feels childish. It feels wrong. But I'm pretty sure it's human. I'm pretty sure our inability to let go is something we have to unlearn. Unlearning starts with admitting we don't know everything. I may think I have the perfect solution, or be in the right, but that doesn't mean I'm right. Pride will tell me I am. The Lord will tell me, "you don't know all the pieces of this puzzle. I do." Unlearning is choosing to trust the Lord, literally no matter what. Even through tears and gritted teeth. The thing is, He will prove Himself faithful. He always does. We might not like a stretch of the journey, but His faithfulness is undeniable. If I know anything, it is that the Lord is always and forever faithful to complete whatever He has started.
I've been doing a lot of unlearning the last few months. A lot of leaning into what it looks like to let things be. It is what it is. I don't have to like it, and I can deal with that on my own time, but I do have to accept that, hey, this is it. And you know, there has been so much grace in the learning. For each step I took, the Lord bolstered my soul a little bit more. He strengthened the muscles of trust, peace, and rest. As I learned to let circumstances be, He gave me freedom.
Tonight, there is a familiar knot in my stomach. The very tips of my fingers are tingling with the desire to white-knuckle hang on to what I know is already gone. But as I sit here and breathe, the more dominant feeling is peace. Peace, because it is what it is. There are circumstances I can't change, reality that exists whether or not I say it out loud. With each inhale, I'm asking for rest. With each exhale, I'm letting go of a little more fear. That knot is loosening, slowly but surely. It is what it is. And God is who He is. So I choose peace, and joy, and rest.
"But let us go out with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. Our yesterdays hold broken and irreversible things for us. It is true that we have lost opportunities that will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ.
Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him." (Oswald Chambers)
Monday, January 5, 2015
Touch the Sky.
I spent some solid hot chocolate time with two dear friends this weekend. Emma is my actual little sister, and Jamie pretty much counts as a little sister, too, yet I am continually astounded by what I learn from both of them. They have big wisdom, and they are both stepping into the world with courage, independence and contagious joy. Big sister brag, I know, but seriously. They teach me well. We talked a lot about our dreams, plans and goals for the upcoming year. As we talked, the word that continued to come up was intentional. All three of us came up with things we want to be more purposeful about this year. To be intentional means to do things on purpose, deliberately. It's a strong word, full of vigor and confidence and steadiness. An intentional life has all the ingredients of being a full life, in the very best ways. Because if we're being intentional, we miss less. You know?
The following is the collaborative effort of three hot chocolates, three minds, and three hearts set on doing life on purpose:
1) Treat yo'self. With little things, yes, like new hats and Jeni's ice cream and coffee. But I think, also, treating yourself is doing what your heart wants. Maybe it's making a list of things you love doing but never do. Like canoeing, or hiking, or reading Little Women for a whole afternoon, or going to the museum. The kinds of things that feed your soul, things that you were created to love, but don't ever make time for. When we rush from commitment to commitment and forget to leave time for treats, I think we're missing out on special gifts from our Maker. He wired little loves into our hearts, love of art, or nature, or creating, and He wants us to enjoy those things. So make it a point to treat yourself to things you love. Carve out the time to fill your soul tank with joy. It will probably make the commitments and drudgery of the day-to-day a little more magical.
2) More coffee dates. Emma shared her desire to intentionally pursue relationships with others, specifically making time to seek people out for one-on-one time. She's a busy girl, but she's realizing the importance of setting aside time to connect. I have the opposite problem; I try to cram too many coffee hangs in one day, and end up rushing from one person to the next without really taking time to listen. Somewhere in there is a middle ground. Making time to invest, and then really taking the time to invest well. Maybe that looks like two or three afternoons a week set aside for one-on-one time with people you don't see in your daily comings and goings. Maybe it's calling your mom every Sunday afternoon, not just for five minutes on your way to work. Maybe it's just following up with that one girl you meant to hang out with three months ago, and never got around to calling. Whatever pursuit looks like, do it on purpose.
3) Cut out self-absorption. This was my contribution. I am the very guiltiest of being incredibly self-focused. It's a habit I've only recently become aware of, and so far I'm horrified. It's time to make war on the part of my brain that is constantly focused on me. It's like that part of Mia's speech in "The Princess Diaries": "And then I realized how many stupid times a day I use the word 'I.' And probably all I ever do is think about myself. And how lame is that when there's like seven billion other people out there on the planet? But then I thought, if I cared about the other seven billion out there, instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time." I'm over spending all my time obsessing about how everyone affects me, and I think it's time to start worrying about the affect I'm having on others.
4) Fly solo. No, this does not mean sign a contract to be single all year. Nobody's got time for that, y'all. What it means is this: figure out who you are and how you tick. This means recognizing your flaws, too. Know what things trip you up, and what things you'll have to battle. Dig in, fearlessly. Face your ghosts, one at a time. Become comfortable with independence, and don't abandon yourself. Don't go for utterly self-reliant, because what I know now is self-reliance builds walls that are nearly impossible to break down. But do know that you can handle it, and you are awesome all by yourself. Pro tip: I'm coming to find that digging into myself actually means leaning into Jesus, and letting Him empty what needs to be emptied and fill what needs to be filled. The more I know Him, the more He reveals about who I am.
5) Foster financial peace. Very practically speaking, I need to learn how to manage my bank account, my bills, and my cash flow. Say no to assuming, say yes to double checking. That is my new financial motto. Because, frankly, too many little things became big things last year because I straight up wasn't paying attention. Oops. No more! 2015 is the year of organizing all the little details and being a good grown-ass adult.
So this year is about intentionality, in all areas. I'm looking up and out, eyes bright, heart full. This is going to be good. I'm ready if You are, Jesus.
The following is the collaborative effort of three hot chocolates, three minds, and three hearts set on doing life on purpose:
1) Treat yo'self. With little things, yes, like new hats and Jeni's ice cream and coffee. But I think, also, treating yourself is doing what your heart wants. Maybe it's making a list of things you love doing but never do. Like canoeing, or hiking, or reading Little Women for a whole afternoon, or going to the museum. The kinds of things that feed your soul, things that you were created to love, but don't ever make time for. When we rush from commitment to commitment and forget to leave time for treats, I think we're missing out on special gifts from our Maker. He wired little loves into our hearts, love of art, or nature, or creating, and He wants us to enjoy those things. So make it a point to treat yourself to things you love. Carve out the time to fill your soul tank with joy. It will probably make the commitments and drudgery of the day-to-day a little more magical.
2) More coffee dates. Emma shared her desire to intentionally pursue relationships with others, specifically making time to seek people out for one-on-one time. She's a busy girl, but she's realizing the importance of setting aside time to connect. I have the opposite problem; I try to cram too many coffee hangs in one day, and end up rushing from one person to the next without really taking time to listen. Somewhere in there is a middle ground. Making time to invest, and then really taking the time to invest well. Maybe that looks like two or three afternoons a week set aside for one-on-one time with people you don't see in your daily comings and goings. Maybe it's calling your mom every Sunday afternoon, not just for five minutes on your way to work. Maybe it's just following up with that one girl you meant to hang out with three months ago, and never got around to calling. Whatever pursuit looks like, do it on purpose.
3) Cut out self-absorption. This was my contribution. I am the very guiltiest of being incredibly self-focused. It's a habit I've only recently become aware of, and so far I'm horrified. It's time to make war on the part of my brain that is constantly focused on me. It's like that part of Mia's speech in "The Princess Diaries": "And then I realized how many stupid times a day I use the word 'I.' And probably all I ever do is think about myself. And how lame is that when there's like seven billion other people out there on the planet? But then I thought, if I cared about the other seven billion out there, instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time." I'm over spending all my time obsessing about how everyone affects me, and I think it's time to start worrying about the affect I'm having on others.
4) Fly solo. No, this does not mean sign a contract to be single all year. Nobody's got time for that, y'all. What it means is this: figure out who you are and how you tick. This means recognizing your flaws, too. Know what things trip you up, and what things you'll have to battle. Dig in, fearlessly. Face your ghosts, one at a time. Become comfortable with independence, and don't abandon yourself. Don't go for utterly self-reliant, because what I know now is self-reliance builds walls that are nearly impossible to break down. But do know that you can handle it, and you are awesome all by yourself. Pro tip: I'm coming to find that digging into myself actually means leaning into Jesus, and letting Him empty what needs to be emptied and fill what needs to be filled. The more I know Him, the more He reveals about who I am.
5) Foster financial peace. Very practically speaking, I need to learn how to manage my bank account, my bills, and my cash flow. Say no to assuming, say yes to double checking. That is my new financial motto. Because, frankly, too many little things became big things last year because I straight up wasn't paying attention. Oops. No more! 2015 is the year of organizing all the little details and being a good grown-ass adult.
So this year is about intentionality, in all areas. I'm looking up and out, eyes bright, heart full. This is going to be good. I'm ready if You are, Jesus.
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