Free Fall

There was a point in my life, pretty recently actually, that I didn't feel anything. Seriously. It sounds pretty nuts, but I didn't. I was empty and dry and there was an emotional wall no one could break down. One person in particular tried very, very hard to crack me. But nothing.

I couldn't for the world tell you what the problem was. There was no defining moment, no catastrophe, that caused the emptiness. I think it might have been gradual. An unintentional building up of a wall I didn't know was there, until all of the sudden I tried to walk past it. Regardless, I spent about a year unable to dig out an emotional response to anything other than the final scene of "Love Actually". I was very stuck. And I could feel, somewhere deep down, that it wasn't good.

Now, all I have are feelings that go so deep it seems like they are coming from the center of the earth. From the center of my soul. Maybe from the center of God. I don't even know what that means, but it sounds about right. I have been awakened to my heart's capacity to feel. I am stunned by that capacity, and more than a little afraid. There is a lot going on in there that I don't know what to do with. The scope of my insides is vast. It's like an emotional ocean that I am never going to get to the bottom of, but I feel like there is some pretty important information about the way I've been wired somewhere on the ocean floor.

So, what, I'm doomed to fail because I'm so deep? 

That doesn't seem fair.

At the same time, I'd rather be here than in the place that was so blank. I remember sitting in the dark with my best friend, unable to speak because there was literally nothing in my head. Now there's so much in there, it seems impossible to sort through it. 

I don't want to be blank.

I want to be full. To feel.

I just wish it didn't hurt so bad sometimes.

But I guess pain is proof that we are alive. That we are breathing and blood is pumping through our veins. That we are human. And that's good. God gave us souls, and souls feel things. That's how it works. That's why we're set apart from the rest of creation, and why eternity exists. I definitely don't feel stuck anymore. I feel very much like an out-of-control cart rolling down a mountain. Or a toddler taking her first wobbly, tottering run. Or like I'm free-falling. 

Maybe, potentially, that is the feeling I'm supposed to have. The more out of control I feel, the more control God can take. The deeper my soul goes, the further He can reveal Himself, which I think might reveal some things about me. That seems scary. But good. Scary good.

I'll take it.

Car Batteries

A few weeks ago, I ran into an ex and my car wouldn't start. Normally, those two situations wouldn't coincide, but in my case they did. He showed up at a moment I was not expecting to have to see him, just as I was getting in my car. Instead of being able to make a quick exit, my car wouldn't start. I panicked. Because I couldn't figuratively (and literally) escape the moment, and because, oh hey, I had a dead car.

I borrowed cables from a coworker, jumped the battery and drove off; furious at the ex, furious at my car, and furious at myself. At him because he didn't offer to help, at my car for not having my back when I needed an out (dumb car), and at myself for the way my heart was pounding. I hate, hate, feeling inadequate. And in that moment, a thousand things were making me feel inadequate.

Multiple phone calls later, all my options for cheap car repairmen (ie: friends who knew things about cars) were tapped out and I still had a dead battery. Fact: when I am emotionally worn out, every situation takes on a much bigger scope than it probably actually deserves. So my inner monologue went something like this:

My car won't start. I can't fix it myself. This is bad. I'm a failure. If I still had a boyfriend he would be fixing it for me and everything would be okay. Why isn't he here??? What did I do wrong, and why am I alone? It must be my fault. Everything is my fault. Why was I so dependent on him, anyway?! I'm fine. I don't need anyone else because I'm fine. Yeah okay I AM NOT FINE. AND MY CAR WON'T START.

So, okay, not exactly a sane reaction to a dead car battery. But that's life. Sometimes a dead battery carries a lot of baggage. Especially when you're already feeling like a failure. But then I thought to myself... Hey. I can change a damn battery. And this tiny little spark of something like independence, with a splash of sass, ignited.

I ended up calling a friend who took me to Auto Zone, where I bought a new battery and something to rub on the battery and asked the salesman just how hard it was to change a battery. Turns out, the instructions are right there on the internet and you only have to use one tool. I can handle one tool. I don't happen to own a wrench, so I went over to my married friend Kyle's house to borrow his wrench. But I didn't let him do it for me. He helped, because wrenches are tough, and also I didn't want to blow up my car, but I lifted the super heavy old battery out and put the super heavy new battery in, and rubbed the battery stuff on there. And my hands got really dirty and I felt really good.

I am not inadequate. I have spent a lot of time feeling like I am. But I'm not.
I am adequate.
I am capable.
I am okay.

Sure, I don't like being single and I want to know someone loves me enough to change my battery for me. But the fact is that I can change my own damn battery. There's a lot of freedom in the knowledge that I can change a car battery, and also that I now own my own set of jumper cables and can use those without blowing anything up. I'm still wrestling with inadequacy, and fear, and singleness. But I'm going to be just fine.

And so will my car.