Free Fall

There was a point in my life, pretty recently actually, that I didn't feel anything. Seriously. It sounds pretty nuts, but I didn't. I was empty and dry and there was an emotional wall no one could break down. One person in particular tried very, very hard to crack me. But nothing.

I couldn't for the world tell you what the problem was. There was no defining moment, no catastrophe, that caused the emptiness. I think it might have been gradual. An unintentional building up of a wall I didn't know was there, until all of the sudden I tried to walk past it. Regardless, I spent about a year unable to dig out an emotional response to anything other than the final scene of "Love Actually". I was very stuck. And I could feel, somewhere deep down, that it wasn't good.

Now, all I have are feelings that go so deep it seems like they are coming from the center of the earth. From the center of my soul. Maybe from the center of God. I don't even know what that means, but it sounds about right. I have been awakened to my heart's capacity to feel. I am stunned by that capacity, and more than a little afraid. There is a lot going on in there that I don't know what to do with. The scope of my insides is vast. It's like an emotional ocean that I am never going to get to the bottom of, but I feel like there is some pretty important information about the way I've been wired somewhere on the ocean floor.

So, what, I'm doomed to fail because I'm so deep? 

That doesn't seem fair.

At the same time, I'd rather be here than in the place that was so blank. I remember sitting in the dark with my best friend, unable to speak because there was literally nothing in my head. Now there's so much in there, it seems impossible to sort through it. 

I don't want to be blank.

I want to be full. To feel.

I just wish it didn't hurt so bad sometimes.

But I guess pain is proof that we are alive. That we are breathing and blood is pumping through our veins. That we are human. And that's good. God gave us souls, and souls feel things. That's how it works. That's why we're set apart from the rest of creation, and why eternity exists. I definitely don't feel stuck anymore. I feel very much like an out-of-control cart rolling down a mountain. Or a toddler taking her first wobbly, tottering run. Or like I'm free-falling. 

Maybe, potentially, that is the feeling I'm supposed to have. The more out of control I feel, the more control God can take. The deeper my soul goes, the further He can reveal Himself, which I think might reveal some things about me. That seems scary. But good. Scary good.

I'll take it.