Car Batteries

A few weeks ago, I ran into an ex and my car wouldn't start. Normally, those two situations wouldn't coincide, but in my case they did. He showed up at a moment I was not expecting to have to see him, just as I was getting in my car. Instead of being able to make a quick exit, my car wouldn't start. I panicked. Because I couldn't figuratively (and literally) escape the moment, and because, oh hey, I had a dead car.

I borrowed cables from a coworker, jumped the battery and drove off; furious at the ex, furious at my car, and furious at myself. At him because he didn't offer to help, at my car for not having my back when I needed an out (dumb car), and at myself for the way my heart was pounding. I hate, hate, feeling inadequate. And in that moment, a thousand things were making me feel inadequate.

Multiple phone calls later, all my options for cheap car repairmen (ie: friends who knew things about cars) were tapped out and I still had a dead battery. Fact: when I am emotionally worn out, every situation takes on a much bigger scope than it probably actually deserves. So my inner monologue went something like this:

My car won't start. I can't fix it myself. This is bad. I'm a failure. If I still had a boyfriend he would be fixing it for me and everything would be okay. Why isn't he here??? What did I do wrong, and why am I alone? It must be my fault. Everything is my fault. Why was I so dependent on him, anyway?! I'm fine. I don't need anyone else because I'm fine. Yeah okay I AM NOT FINE. AND MY CAR WON'T START.

So, okay, not exactly a sane reaction to a dead car battery. But that's life. Sometimes a dead battery carries a lot of baggage. Especially when you're already feeling like a failure. But then I thought to myself... Hey. I can change a damn battery. And this tiny little spark of something like independence, with a splash of sass, ignited.

I ended up calling a friend who took me to Auto Zone, where I bought a new battery and something to rub on the battery and asked the salesman just how hard it was to change a battery. Turns out, the instructions are right there on the internet and you only have to use one tool. I can handle one tool. I don't happen to own a wrench, so I went over to my married friend Kyle's house to borrow his wrench. But I didn't let him do it for me. He helped, because wrenches are tough, and also I didn't want to blow up my car, but I lifted the super heavy old battery out and put the super heavy new battery in, and rubbed the battery stuff on there. And my hands got really dirty and I felt really good.

I am not inadequate. I have spent a lot of time feeling like I am. But I'm not.
I am adequate.
I am capable.
I am okay.

Sure, I don't like being single and I want to know someone loves me enough to change my battery for me. But the fact is that I can change my own damn battery. There's a lot of freedom in the knowledge that I can change a car battery, and also that I now own my own set of jumper cables and can use those without blowing anything up. I'm still wrestling with inadequacy, and fear, and singleness. But I'm going to be just fine.

And so will my car.