Things That Are True About Baristas

1) The Instagram accounts belonging to baristas are filled with exactly three things. 1: pictures of lattes, 2: pictures of bored baristas in their natural habitat (behind the counter) and 3: pictures of baristas outside of their natural habitat doing things like going to other coffee shops.

2) Baristas have a list of customer crushes. It's true. They all have a list of four or five individuals that never fail to make them smile and/or melt to the ground. Or giggle. Also if one of those customers responds to "what would you like today?" with "your hand in marriage," the barista will probably say yes.

3) Baristas exist on a diet of espresso, chocolate milk, croissants and leftover fruit cups. And sushi.

4) Just so you know, latte art (a clever design in the milk poured by your barista) is INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT. Baristas want to be good a latte art, but sometimes they fail miserably and pour things that look like... well, latte porn. It's kind of awkward, so just pretend like you don't notice. (A word to the wise: a heart in your latte does not mean the barista is hitting on you. That's just the first thing they learn how to make.)

5) Sometimes baristas are minding their own business, and they happen to scan the cafe and are arrested by the sight of two gangly teenagers with vanilla steamers TOTALLY MAKING OUT across the table. The barista will probably burst out laughing, which is really the only valid reaction to that situation.

6) Baristas get hungry. They like to buy bags of Goldfish and snack on them in the back. Sometimes, they aren't paying attention and they shove an entire handful of crackers in their mouth like a whale, only to look up and see that their customer crush is staring at them.

7) Baristas are not necessarily naturally peppy and super amped to take your order (I mean sometimes they are, but sometimes it's 7 a.m.). It's very possible they've had six shots of espresso and are literally drugged up on caffeine. So if things get weird, that's why.

8) You can tell the mood of your barista by the music that is playing on their shift.
Louis Armstrong and friends: Feeling chill and relaxed. Also kind of sexy. Because jazz music is sexy.
Andy Grammer, Maroon 5, etc.: Feeling footloose and fancy free.
Mumford and Sons: Hipster music. Classic.
Velvet Underground: Get the HECK outta this cafe, I want to close and go home.
(Baristas like Justin Bieber, too.)

9) In an effort to learn names and memorize drink orders, baristas name their regular customers things like "Americano Terry" and "British David" and "Large Japanese Sencha Guy". So if the barista at your favorite coffee shop knows you by name, assume you also have a really clever nickname like "One Pump of Vanilla Britney".

10) Baristas have dance parties. They are actually excellent dancers. If you see baristas busting a funky move behind the counter to "Coffee Talk" by Fresh Espresso, feel free to clap.

11) If some random person smiles and waves to you at the grocery store and you just do not recognize them for anything, wave back anyway. It's probably your barista.